"Why did you think I wasn't serious about courting you?"
5 guys has asked me this question. And every time I just shrug and smile and say, "Because you weren't." But last night, I didn't. Maybe it was alcohol induced or maybe I was just really disappointed in him years ago or maybe I really liked him and I so wanted to hear his explanation that I was incapable for shrugging it off. Bottom line is I admitted that I did like him but that I had to turn him down because I was afraid he was just on a rebound back then. And then I wish I hadn't.
I wish I hadn't because then I wouldn't have known that he was indeed serious and that I hurt him when I said NO.
I wish I hadn't because then I wouldn't have known that he courted his ex because she reminded him of me.
I wish I hadn't because he really loved that ex and one drunken night months ago he told me that he loves her still.
I wish I hadn't because then he wouldn't have held my hands and I wouldn't have felt how warm his are and know what I missed.
I wish I hadn't because he's in a serious relationship right now and I know that it would really be wrong.
I wish I hadn't because it's too late, it's too late for us and I must not be crying about it.
I wish I hadn't, I so so wish but I had and now I have to pay for it.
The past keeps replaying itself in my head and I keep thinking that what if I just let it be. What if I didn't listen to everyone around me telling me it's not right. What if I just let myself feel and let myself fall... I know I have to snap out of this soon but the memory's just too sweet, too poignant and so I let myself remember. At least now I know when I'm asked that question again, I should just shrug and smile and let bygones be bygones.
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