EVER WONDER WHY YOUR MAN'S WEIRD???

Aries (March 21-April 19)
page 2 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"Arrogant. Pompous. Vain. Cruel. Verbose. Show-
off. I've been called all of these. Of course, I
am." --Howard Cosell (March 25)

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the
Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter
what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy,
downright fearless, and rather like one of those
weighted clowns that children punch. You can
knock him down, but he will always bounce back.
And, for as long as he loves you, he will be
faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak
in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to
fall on, because by the time you've swooned,
this Romeo will have moved on to his next
conquest. Aries men are in love with love. The
appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill
of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a
knight in shining armor. However, you are just
as likely to get run down by his charging steed
as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir
Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he
was also a royal pain in the butt, all Aries
traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his
eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress,
he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur.
In Lance's point of view he was a hero, and to
an Aries man, his point of view is the only one
that counts. The Ram fears mediocrity more than
death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in
town than just another anonymous working slob.
He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit
he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride
in being more self-centered than Scorpio and
more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right.
Especially when he is wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash, and
ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for
action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may
come on all "Aw shucks" and toe shuffles, like
Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face,
or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are
firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the
best way to get you into his bed in the shortest
possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in
Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription
Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare--If you don't
swing, don't ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip,
hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and
well, and still the quintessential bad boy at
76.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding
dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to
worship the ground he makes you crawl on while
he declares his need for freedom. He will
require you to have the house sparkling, the
grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he
gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave
a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to
the shower, while shouting his dinner order over
his shoulder. When he appears at the table,
he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in
one hand and his favorite cold drink in the
other. And, you'd better look like you just
stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man
chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman,
with real needs. He wants the adoration of Mommy
and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess,
all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy
centerfold. He thinks he is indestructible, but
he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets
through life without a few broken bones, several
concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is
restless, fidgety, and has frequent head aches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either
be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to
death. You'll have to clip coupons and buy pork
and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with
the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and to raise
your own veggies while he attacks his latest
moneymaking scheme with the same fierce energy
that makes him shout at the TV and practice road
rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose
with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep
the creditors off your back and a roof over your
heads.

Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will
smash the glasses and put his fist through the
wall one minute, then want to screw your brains
out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised
when you resist his ardor as you're bent over
the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favorite martian will start a little war to
have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay
out until all hours. A Leo would announce that
he's going out with the boys, and a Capricorn
would tell you he's working late at the office,
but Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior.
If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero.
The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call
him Butthead.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
page 3 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"The great question -- which I have not been
able to answer -- is 'What does a woman want?'" -
-Sigmund Freud (May 6)--pareha mi birthday!!

He's patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower
of strength on whom you can lean. You'll fall
for his shy charm and those big, sad eyes. He
may remind you of a slow-talkin', slow-walkin'
hero like Gary Cooper or Henry Fonda. His needs
are simple: home and hearth, a good woman, and a
nest egg for that rainy day. Before you start
drooling, read on, sweetie.

Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what
you're likely to get is an army-boot mentality.
Hook up with the Bull and either do things his
way, or do your thing alone. He won't mind your
independence, if it benefits him in some way,
and as long as dinner is ready when he appears.
Don't expect to be showered with praise and
lavish attention. Do expect to be cast into the
role of the little woman. Of all the men in the
universe, this one expects the 1950s textbook
version. He will buy your clothes, pick your
friends, and criticize your beliefs. He is
judgmental and fixed in his ideas, attitudes,
and prejudices. Nothing you can say or do will
change him. You'll have the distinct feeling of
being boiled alive slowly, just as the
proverbial frog, and you will be right. Mr. T
invented the smothering relationship.

He is jealous, possessive, and obsessive. Piss
him off and he'll hold a grudge. Unfortunately,
it's not a silent one. He will snipe and pick
and make nasty remarks until you want to bash
his head with the nearest blunt object.

William Randolph Hearst provides a classic
example of the Taurean love of possessions gone
berserk. He spent tens of millions of dollars to
build himself a real castle filled with
priceless art and furnishings from all over the
world. According to Hollywood legend, Hearst
built the castle for his ladylove, Marion
Davies, because his wife refused to divorce him.
Talk about a gilded cage and a grim fairy tale.
You would think a guy with all that power and
dough would have no trouble buying off a wife.
Well, Marion didn't get a wedding ring and she
didn't get the castle. It was his castle, filled
with his possessions. She was just a living
adornment for the furniture.

The Taurean love for food is renowned, and the
Bull likes to eat. By your second anniversary he
could be wearing triple-X sweats and a truss. He
is capable of eating himself into multiple heart
attacks and will expect you to play nurse for
real.

His idea of excitement is switching from the
food channel to Wrestlemania. It's convenient,
not too far from the refrigerator, and best of
all, doesn't cost anything. You may be
irresistible, and he may love you madly, but he
will never understand why you need any other
company but his. If he does take you out, it
will be to one of his favorite restaurants,
where he'll be too busy stuffing his face to
make decent conversation.

He's a cheapskate. Only a Taurus could live on a
beer-and-beans budget unnecessarily. He may have
millions, but you'll never see the bank
accounts, although you might get an allowance.
If you do get his money, it will only be because
you outlived him, or murdered him in his sleep.
The latter will become a tempting idea as time
goes by.

Sigmund Freud's use of psychoanalysis was a
breakthrough in the field of psychiatry. But
only a Taurus man could be at once so obtuse and
so egotistical as to define a woman's
frustrations and unresolved emotional distress
as penis envy. Freud's Scorpio ascendant only
fueled his obsession with sex. Virtually all of
his theories held sex responsible for all the
emotional ills of mankind. Including Sigi, who
had a lengthy affair with his wife's younger
sister. The original Freudian slip.

The Bull's favorite game is Grand Inquisitor. He
will expect you to report every detail of your
day. He will also rummage through your private
papers and read your diary at the first
opportunity. If you have a past and are foolish
enough to reveal it, he is capable of using it
against you at any time for the rest of your
life. Your best bet is a safe-deposit box, and
to lie your ass off.

He is so stable, he's inert. Work and home are
all he knows, or needs. Although he's marathon
man between the sheets, what he really wants is
a housekeeper, and is so insensitive that you
must hit him with a skillet to get attention. If
you're the type who needs excitement now and
then, you could lick the light socket or have an
affair. With a Taurus man, I'd opt for the
former. The Bull is not the forgive-and-forget
type. Although he hates change, he is perfectly
capable of tossing you out on your ear one day
and moving in your replacement the next.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
page 4 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old
enough to be my wife." --Tony Curtis (June 3)

He is simply irresistible. The Gemini man is a
fun-loving, independent, roguish romantic who
has a doctorate in flirting. He can cook an
exotic dinner. Then dance with you in the
starlight, point out the constellations, and
capture your heart with his beautiful version of
their myths. Don't invite the wedding guests
yet. While you are mentally compiling the guest
list, he will excuse himself to get you a fresh
glass of chilled wine, and while in the kitchen,
manage to phone three other girls for dates next
weekend. The only thing this schmoozing,
womanizing, party animal is interested in is
adding your phone number and bra size to his
ever-increasing list of victims.

Gemini movie star Errol Flynn was long regarded
as the black sheep of Hollywood. The phrase "in
like Flynn" was coined as tribute to his ability
to score. His real-life adventures, rebellions,
and general unruliness rivaled those of the
swashbuckling heroes he portrayed. Flynn was
married three times and cheated on all of his
wives. His first wife, French actress Lily
Damita, said, "You never know when he's telling
the truth. He lies for the fun of it." His life
was one of cheerful excess. But, by his late
forties, his hurricane-force existence had taken
its toll, and he was a burned-out shell of his
former, lively self. Flynn died of a heart
attack at 50.

Your Twin will probably not be quite as bad, but
all Gemini men have a gypsy moth's fatal
attraction to a pretty face. Totally faithful
Gems do exist, but are rarer than a shy
Sagittarius. In fact, the word faithful has a
different meaning to a Gemini man. Think of
Gemini Brigham Young, the Mormon founder of Salt
Lake, who had 27 wives. I'm sure that, in his
mind, Brother Brigham considered himself a
devoted and faithful husband. In my mind, he was
in Gemini paradise.

Yours will have five hobbies, four careers, and
an assortment of friends that resemble a mini-
United Nations. But, his intellectual prowess is
limited to his memorization of the various
versions of Trivial Pursuit and entertaining his
friends by tearing you to pieces with his
merciless, acerbic tongue. He lives to put down
people, and will call you fat ass in public, or
snap his fingers at you when his glass is empty.
Cold-hearted and calculating, he is a blatant
social climber and will propose on the first
date if he smells money. As a husband, he is
ambivalent. The only thing this guy's passionate
about is being entertained.

If you think love means being together at least
some of the time, sharing dinner, and watching
the tube, you had better find yourself a homey
Cancer, or a quiet Virgo, and send this horny
hound dog packing. Or you could look on the
bright side. You may be hysterical and freaked
out half the time, but you'll never be bored.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
page 5 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or
insanity to anyone, but they've always worked
for me." --Hunter S. Thompson (July 18)

The first thing you'll notice is his genuine,
and adorable, smile. The Cancer man is sweet,
chivalrous, and has a wonderfully off-beat sense
of humor that can be downright loony. He is
sentimental, sensual, and truly affectionate. He
is a traditionalist who respects the proprieties
of courtship, believes in family and forever,
and he's absolutely the best snuggle-bunny in
the universe.

You may see an ideal mate, but what you get is
an ideal stalker. A male Crab's idea of devotion
is bonding at the hip, so unless you are
prepared to become his Siamese twin, run in the
opposite direction as fast as possible. In bed
he is tender, but so passive that you'll soon
tire of always being on top.

His devotion is legendary. However, don't say "I
do" until you understand that this extends to
every friend and relative he's ever had,
especially mother. It's not above him to wait
until the honeymoon to tell you she's coming to
live with you as soon as you return.

He's subjective. His favorite game is "Guess How
I'm Feeling." You will be expected to read his
mind, sense his moods, and mend his fragile ego,
all without benefit of knowing what has upset
him. Don't worry. Everything upsets him. Forget
to buy toothpaste, and he'll decide you don't
love him anymore. Say you want a night out with
the girls, and he'll expect divorce papers in
the morning.

Conversely, he will be so blind to your feelings
that you will soon find yourself thinking of
ways to escape. Try talking rationally, and he
will become morose and overemotional. He's so
preoccupied with his own sensibilities, and his
basic character is so convoluted, that he simply
can't believe you don't feel exactly as he does
on every issue. He's as moody as the female
Crab, and punishes any perceived slight by
retreating into his metaphorical shell to pout.

Consider Cancer Ross Perot's run for the
presidency. Perot prided himself on playing
daddy, boss, and teacher to us less enlightened
folks. When faced with the inevitable
opposition, he took it as a personal affront;
packed up his charts, graphs, and pointer, and
went home. In typical Cancer fashion, after a
suitable period of withdrawal (punishing those
who would not see his light), he decided he
might jump back in the political ring if asked.
I suppose he's still waiting.

The male Crab is as paranoid about security as
the Bull but, in a financial crisis, will expect
you to do all that nasty stuff like making a
budget or working two jobs to ensure the
family's future. He'll be too ill with a case of
stressed-induced acne to show his face in
public.

He will stop at nothing to get you to agree with
his point of view, even if it's only on the best
flavor of ice cream. Anything less is total
rejection. First, he will explain in
excruciating detail why pecan is better than
black walnut. Next he'll try his rote lost-boy
look to win your acquiescence. If neither tactic
works, he will sigh, say he's not hungry, and
sit brooding in front of the TV. You better be
prepared to either give in or live in silence.
Before you gratefully choose the latter,
remember silence to a Crab is punctuated with
long, mournful sighs, minor to major groans, and
frequent whimpering mutters.

A prime example of a male Crab in action is King
Henry VIII. When Henry wanted to divorce his
first wife, Catherine (a Sagittarius), to marry
Gemini Anne Boleyn, you would think that he
would have said, "So be it." Instead, in typical
Cancer style, Henry tried to ensure that
everyone in the kingdom agreed with him. He
dragged out the barge, visiting his royal
advisors up and down the Thames. He petitioned
the Pope for an annulment, even encouraged
Catherine to say their marriage was never
consummated.

When Catherine refused, he locked her in the
Tower of London. When the Pope refused, King
Crab created the Church of England, installing
himself as its secular head. Through alternating
displays of temperament and torture, he secured
most of his noblemen's support. Then, true to
his changeable nature, he had Anne beheaded, in
just under three years of marriage, after it had
taken him five years to fight the battle to
marry her in the first place.

While your Crab will probably not have you
dispatched, he is totally capable of blinding
himself to everything that doesn't reflect his
narrow, ever-changing viewpoint. And you will
suffer a tedious display of relentless carping
and whining aimed at securing your slavish,
unquestioning devotion.

Since you're in a no-win situation anyway, you
might as well tell him you like boysenberry
sherbet, you've just quit your job, and by the
way, is that a pimple sprouting on the end of
his nose?

Leo (July 23-August 22)
page 6 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I make it up all different every time I'm
asked." --Andy Warhol (August 6)

A Leo male is warm hearted, generous, and
dignified. He's a genuine romantic you won't
have to tempt twice to go for a moonlit stroll
or to your favorite hideaway for the weekend.
The Lion seeks a mate who is stable, family
oriented, and intelligent. His family adores
him, he keeps his friends laughing, and he's
always the center of attention. In the office.
In jail. At the beach. He's the center of
attention. Always.

His favorite game is Commander-in-Chief. A Leo
will snap off orders with the crispness of a
general ordering his troops and expect you to
move at double time to wait on him hand and
foot. He demands to be rewarded for coming home
in the evening, and he demands your respect,
whether he deserves it or not. Should he
remember your birthday, nothing but a blatant
display of fawning will satisfy his ego.

He rarely loses his temper as long as you call
him "master" while bowing in respect. Challenge
his authority, and he will roar, kick the sofa,
and issue a couple of ultimatums designed to
strike fear in your heart. As soon as the scene
is over, everything is forgotten. Be stupid
enough to deliberately wound a Lion's pride or,
worse, attack his dignity, and you'll soon feel
like a pound of ground round being sized up for
dinner.

If he's a quiet Lion, he'll be a benevolent
dictator who wants you to hover over him
constantly. He'll want you to rub his aching
shoulders and tell him how fit, strong, and
wonderful he is, no matter what his age or
physical condition. He, on the other hand, will
not hesitate to tell you that your hair is a
mess, your ass is too big, and that you have the
intelligence of a gnat. When you burst into
tears, he will be genuinely shocked because, in
his mind, he was only trying to give you the
benefit of his wise counsel.

Study the character of Professor Henry Higgins
in Leo George Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion if
you want an object lesson in the character of a
male Lion. After berating, humiliating, and
lecturing Eliza Doolittle, he refuses to praise
her efforts and, instead, takes credit for her
success. In typical Leonine befuddlement,
Higgins runs shouting for his mother when the
girl finally tells him to get lost. Eliza had to
be a Capricorn.

In a playful mood, the Lion may act like a
clown, but there's nothing easy going about his
nature. Tell him he's being silly, and his mood
will change faster than a Cancer under the full
moon. Leo wants an audience, not a critic.

He's cocky. At his worst, he's a combination of
Felix the Cat and Napoleon on steroids. He'll
wear dark glasses at night and make passes at
anything that walks, crawls, or slithers. He'll
spend money faster than you can earn it. And by
the time he's 40, will resemble an aging teenage
hoodlum with his beer gut hanging over his too-
tight Levi's.

It's said that Leo men always look taller than
they really are. This is because they all wear
either shoes with lifts or cowboy boots with
four-inch heels. Leo shorty Napoleon Bonaparte
invented high-heeled shoes for himself, not
Josephine.

He will drive a monster pickup that you have to
use a ladder to climb into. When he skids into
your driveway after knocking over the mailbox,
he'll lean on the horn until you appear, then
kick the passenger door open with one of his
$400 steel-toed boots. Ever the gallant, when he
notices he can't see your eyes over the running
board, he'll jump out to assist you, and
gleefully chant, "Gropin' and hopin'," while
standing behind you.

His vanity knows no bounds. He'll have a tattoo
on his butt and not hesitate to drop his drawers
at the poolroom to show it off. He, of course,
thinks he's the world's greatest lover, which he
announces to anyone within a 10-decibel range.
However, there's really very little to be said.
Two words do come to mind -- frequent and
enthusiastic. His definition of foreplay is "Get
in the truck."

Everything about a male Lion is exaggerated. Leo
Diamond Jim Brady not only had a huge appetite
for food but for lavish excess as well. True to
his Leonine nature, Diamond Jim was the most
flamboyant character of his time. The owner of
his favorite restaurant called Brady his "best
25 customers." Brady regularly tipped $100 for
$2 taxi rides, and his famous collection of 30
complete sets of jewelry was estimated at the
time in excess of $1,000,000. Diamond Jim was
just as extravagant in love. He had a dozen gold-
plated bicycles made so he and long-time
girlfriend Lillian Russell could cruise Central
Park in style. Her favorite bike had handlebars
covered with mother-of-pearl and spokes
decorated with rubies and sapphires. In true Leo
style, Diamond Jim was both vulgar and
magnificent.

Whether yours is a stuffy, overbearing egotist
or a wild and woolly jungle cat, the key to
taming a Lion is knowing how to react. Next time
he's snarling, lecturing, and posturing in the
kitchen because dinner is five minutes late,
ignore the fit, smile, and tell him how nice it
was of him to fix the neighbor's lawn mower
yesterday. He'll start to bluster, puff out his
chest, and forget all about chastising you. Then
he'll agree it was nice of him. It was damn
fine, as a matter of fact. And, during dinner,
he'll regale you with the tale of his virtuous
deed. It's that attention thing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
page 7 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I'm not afraid to let people know that I'm kind
of an idiot." --Terry Bradshaw (September 2)

He's faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed
during a crisis. A Virgo man will be home in
time for dinner, help you balance the checkbook,
and help raise the children. Whether he's as
sexy as Sean Connery, or as silly as Peter
Sellers, he will always be by your side. He's
conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind, and
loyal. Sounds like a real boy scout, doesn't he?
Well, he is -- the bargain basement version.

Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed
into traffic when you don't want to cross the
street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye
for improving everything except his own conduct,
he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a
pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just
as unsympathetic.

At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist,
dismissing what he doesn't believe and believing
only what's convenient to his point of view. His
one talent for conversation is a nonstop string
of criticisms about every facet of your
existence, from the way you wear your hair to
your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't
hesitate to insult your intelligence by
demonstrating just how to accomplish either
task.

At his best, he has the kind of predictability
that will give you sleeping sickness. He'll
expect dinner promptly at six, where you will
exchange news of the day's events. Then he'll
spend an hour with the children, who will go to
bed exactly at eight. Next comes an hour of
telling you how to improve your housekeeping
abilities. Finally, he'll retire to his home
office where he'll spend the rest of the evening
mumbling over the bills or developing a plan for
your self-improvement.

His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every
Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and
just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made
Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a
sensible statement.

Throughout his career, legendary Hollywood
producer Virgo Samuel Goldwyn adamantly refused
to compromise his search for the finest talent,
directors, screenwriters, and technical crews.
You can't argue with perfection, and The Goldwyn
Touch set a standard of excellence that has been
seldom, if ever, matched. Sam also had an
unmatched Virgo talent for trying to act
superior and coming off as a total goofball.

When his secretary asked for permission to
destroy files that were more than 10 years old,
Goldwyn said, "Yes, but keep copies." He's also
credited with such gems as, "Give me a couple of
years, and I'll make that actress an overnight
success," "If I look confused, it's because I'm
thinking," and "True. I've been a long time
making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a
definite answer maybe."

Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if
you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe
you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word
by word, the conversation, question, or
disagreement that led you to throw the toaster
at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were
crawling through your brain and will apologize
just to shut him up.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that if
you are determined to force his hand, you can
send him to bed with a stomachache. The fact
that he's pretending to be ill, and he knows you
know it, makes no difference. A male Virgo will
feign anything from a head ache to a heart
attack if he feels cornered. He's as loath to
confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces,
but where Pisces fears confrontation itself,
Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about
himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush
to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed
him. If he can't control you with his
superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.

He may appear to be calm, cool, and collected on
the outside, but on the inside he's pure Felix
Unger. The effeminate, priggish, germ-phobic
half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of
the Virgo male. In his unyielding efforts to
save slob Oscar from his boorish ways, Felix
totally lost sight of his own obnoxious
behavior. His deodorant-spraying, dust-rag-
flapping, nonstop derision of Oscar's lifestyle,
coupled with his melodramatic hypochondria, is
totally Virgo. If you want romance and love
songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn),
because you won't find it with this man. Serve
him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he
can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot
about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest
pretty face. However, he's really not into
promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on
Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax
season, then revise that schedule to Saturday
from 9 to 9:15. He's so methodical that you can
put a cake in the oven and be assured that his
buzzer will go off five minutes before the
kitchen timer.

A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish
as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional
scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears
losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to
lose control, and even then he will try to
orchestrate the outcome. Like Mr. Spock, too
much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.

Libra (September 23-October 23)
page 8 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I can resist anything except temptation." --
Oscar Wilde (October 16)

He's funny, charismatic, and oozes charm. His
sense of style is impeccable and his lively,
friendly personality puts him at the top of
everyone's A-list. A Libra male is an idealistic
dreamer who believes in world peace and fair
play. He will take you to the most expensive
restaurant in town, declare his adoration in
front of the smiling patrons, and drop to one
knee to propose. Before you exclaim, "Yes, my
darling," make sure he's still looking at you.
By the time he's slipped the engagement ring on
your finger, he will have spotted his next
conquest walking toward the bar.

A Libra man is perfectly capable of marrying you
on Saturday and starting his next string of
affairs on Sunday. He's fickle, inconsistent,
and constantly on the prowl. Never mind Aries or
Gemini. When it comes to love, the male Libra is
as flaky as a used car salesman sniffing out his
next sucker deal.

He's shallow. You may start thinking of a future
together after a couple of rounds of his
polished sexual prowess. However, to him, future
is defined as until tomorrow morning, when he'll
most likely forget your name before he finishes
flossing his dazzling white teeth.

He's superficial. A Libra man prefers beauty to substance and expects to be blindsided by the
emotion of perfect love. Oh, you'll hear bells
ring, but, after the honeymoon, those harmonious
chimes quickly turn to death knells. He doesn't
want a real woman who will jar him out of his
escapist daydreaming into a world of house
payments and crying children. He wants a Barbie
doll to cook, clean, and entertain his endless
procession of casual friends.

He's not into anger. Pick a fight with him, and
you'll get a half-hearted argument. Usually, he
will verbally dodge, sidestep, and try to
distract you from the original issue with all
the nimbleness of a Capricorn skipping out on
his alimony payments. Contrary to venting his
anger, he will drive you to vent yours.

At best, he's an indecisive bumbler who's so
easily distracted that he'll get sidetracked
into spending the day at the races with a friend
he met in the supermarket while you and the kids
wait for dinner. Or he'll come home empty-handed
from the paint store because he couldn't decide
which shade of green to buy for the hothouse.

At worst, he's king of the lounge lizards. The
seventies should be renamed the Decade of Libra
Man. Wizened lotharios from this era still have
their blue polyester leisure suits, gold chains,
pinkie rings, and an original bottle of Hai
Karate. The modern versions wear leather vests
over bare chests and strut like peacocks down
the middle of the dance floor during the band's
break, hoping every eye is turned in their
direction.

He's a master of double-speak. Think of Libra
Oliver North's statement, "I was provided with
additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that
version." Ollie is the Libra poster child. The
only thing this guy will spend hours
rationalizing is his bad behavior.

He's also self-obsessed. Libra Timothy Leary
used all of his formidable intelligence and
personal magnetism to force the world to agree
that his endless quest for a bigger high was
actually the key to brave new worlds. When faced
with the inevitable opposition, Leary reacted in
typical Libra fashion. He devised an entire
thought system to detract from his self-
indulgence. In his mind, the rest of the world
made a terrible error in judgment by not
embracing his philosophy. And that issue was
more important to his Libra soul than proving
that the path to God was sprinkled with LSD and
magic mushrooms.

Mr. Scaly has a give-and-take nature. You give.
He takes. He will expect you to flatter his ego,
coo as he preens, and help him pick the tie that
best matches his eyes as he prepares for a night
out with his friends. You, on the other hand,
must never depress him with tedious details such
as an overdrawn bank account or a leaky roof.
Whether his dimpled good looks outweigh his self-
serving ego is your decision.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)
page 9 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"If only I had a little humility, I would be
perfect." --Ted Turner (November 19)

Whether he is tall, dark, and handsome or short,
blond, and chubby, a Scorpio man is idealistic,
passionate, and loyal. He will mesmerize you
with his candid, purposeful stare and capture
your heart with his magnetic charm. He may be as
cuddly as Sinbad, or as sexy as Leonardo
DiCaprio; wear a white collar, a blue collar, or
no collar at all; but here is the man who is
impossible to resist. Think you've hit the
jackpot? Think again, sweetheart.

Loving a male Scorpion is like falling for King
Kong. Oh, he's sexy and, underneath that aloof
exterior, surprisingly sensitive. Of course,
that tidbit of knowledge may not help when you
are handed divorce papers because you said his
best friend was a low-life slob. Other guys
might sit down to discuss their feelings. Mr.
Intense will sit down and rip yours to shreds.

He is selfish. Never mind that you are married
to him or in a serious relationship. The
Scorpion's idea of commitment is showing up for
dinner most of the time. His emotion switch is
set at subzero, and he won't hesitate to be
unfaithful until he's dead. However, contrary to
popular belief, he is not sex-crazed. That trait
belongs to cousin Aries. Scorpio is terrified of
deep emotional dependence on just one person,
so, in his usual ass-backward way, he screws
around precisely to avoid intimacy.

A male Scorpion has two reasons for living. The
first is power. The second is control. He would
control fate if he could -- and some try. He
will usually be a good provider because his
desire for power and control drives him to
become successful in his chosen profession. But
money is rarely his primary motivation.
Financial gain is only a by-product of becoming
Mr. Big. His moods change faster than a Pisces
flipping the remote, and he will test your love
by demanding the devotion of a religious fanatic
at a revival meeting. He's so jealous,
possessive, and sarcastic that you will be
tempted to poison his oatmeal. There's no
handling a Scorpion. You either put up with him
or run like hell.

Deliberately awaken this man's green-eyed
monster, and you better have a shovel handy. You
are going to need it to either defend yourself
or dig your own grave. Remember this before you
are foolish enough to plunge into an affair, or
worse, a legally binding relationship.

The worst thing you can do to a Scorpio man is
to not react to his emotional intimidation
tactics. If he demands to be alone, applaud.
Curb his sarcasm with a yawn. If he says he
wants an open marriage, tell him you thought you
already had one. When he announces he's going
out without you, tell him to have a good time,
then smile as if you know something he doesn't.
He'll pretend to leave, park around the block,
and sneak back to lurk in the bushes, convinced
that you are cheating on him. He's as obtuse as
Taurus when he thinks he's right and will stand
in a rainstorm all night, muttering to himself,
while you are cozy by the fireplace.

He communicates by threat. The foremost one is
that he's leaving you. He also lies. The only
thing harder to rid yourself of than a Scorpio
man is a Cancer woman. A male Scorpion
frequently looks like he just ate a cactus.
That's because he spends half his life getting
even for some real, or imagined, slight and the
other half causing all his own troubles.

Consider Scorpio Teddy Roosevelt. During a
summer break from Harvard, 18-year-old Roosevelt
entertained several friends from New York,
including Edith Carow, a girl for whom he had
great affection. Unfortunately, Edith (a Leo)
flirted with several of his friends during the
festivities, and Teddy reacted like a typical
Scorpio. He married someone else. After his
first wife died, again in classic Scorpio style,
Teddy sought his first love. They were married
for 33 years and had five children.

Yours will be so secretive that he would rather
have his fingernails pulled out than tell you
what he had for lunch. He's morbidly afraid that
if he dares to share any serious facts, or
fears, you may get the upper hand. That's why
he's so good at small talk. He can blather for
hours about every piece of minutiae in the
world, but ask him a direct question, and he
will clam up and rush outside to mow the lawn.

Your home will be either near water or hidden in
a cul-de-sac behind a tall fence. He would live
in a place that's accessible only by helicopter,
except that it would screw up his Thursday-night
dates with the cocktail waitress at the Bowl-O-
Rama. If you do catch him between the wrong pair
of sheets, he will put on such a display of
groveling, whining, and begging that you might
think he's suffered a breakdown. Don't be
fooled. He thrives on intensity and is as much
masochist as manipulator. He will do anything it
takes at that moment to gain your forgiveness,
except change. Scorpio is fixed water. He exists
in a bottomless well of churning emotional
excess and is so embroiled in trying to figure
out his own emotions that he will never
understand yours. Being sucked into the vortex
of his charm is akin to getting lost in the
Bermuda Triangle. You may or may not survive the
trip.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
page 10 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"My divorce came as a complete surprise to me.
That will happen when you haven't been home in
18 years." --Lee Trevino (December 1)

He's honest, trusting, and eternally optimistic.
He won't restrict your freedom, or expect you to
drop your nights out with friends in favor of
staying home with him. He may have a wry
perspective on life similar to Mark Twain's or
the diplomacy of Winston Churchill. An Archer
wants a companion to accompany him on frequent,
spontaneous outings to wonderfully diverse
places, because to him, life is to be explored
and enjoyed.

Before you decide he's your soul mate,
understand that a male Sagittarius has the same
attitude toward commitment as does his
mythological symbol, the Centaur. He spends all
of his youth and most of his adulthood in
continual heat. He is an accomplished lover, but
it's the deed he desires, not you.

You no doubt fell for his boy scout smile and
talent for quoting Shakespeare while
simultaneously unfastening your bra. But, as a
partner, he makes a great friend, one you won't
see very often because his idea of home is a
place to drop in when he needs a change of
clothes or a shower. Since an Archer could
happily live in a cave for months, eating
crickets and contemplating his navel, even if
you marry him, you'll feel like you're still
single. Don't expect to lean on his shoulder or
cling to his arm. Do expect to be his pal (or
groupie) and to spend many nights alone. He's
neither jealous nor possessive. In fact, he
wants you to have a life independent of his
because that allows him more time for drinking
beer with his buddies and following his favorite
football team around the nation. He is the one
guy in the universe who was born to be a
bachelor. He won't care how you dress, who your
friends are, or where you spend your time, as
long as you don't bother him with the details.
He's too busy elucidating his latest theory for
solving all the problems of the world.

Archers have opinions on every subject under the
sun, and cannot answer even simple questions
with a plain yes or no. Ask if he wants a ham
sandwich, and he'll answer with the history of
Earl of Sandwich, the 16 different kinds of
bread you could use to enhance the flavor of the
meat, and a dissertation on mustard.

Michael de Nostradamus, the sixteenth-century
French physician and mystic, had the distinct
Sagittarian penchant for expounding on the
mysteries of the universe. In typical Archer
style, the good doctor's visions were not only
voluminous, totaling more than 1,000, but were
carefully crafted, allowing endless
interpretations. This ensured that whatever
happened, he could be credited with prophesizing
the event. Only an Archer would be as audacious
and irresponsible as to predict events 2,000
years into the future. And only an Archer could
do it with such a flair for the art of bullshit.

A male Sagittarius respects authority, as long
as he's the authority figure. Question his right
to rule and you'll soon understand the meaning
of Jupiter's wrath. He has a nasty temper and
his volcanic eruptions result in expensive trips
to the nearest home improvement center for
wallboard, nails, and plaster.

He's impulsive. Send him out for milk, and he'll
come home with reservations for the midnight
flight to Peru. He might invite you along, and
then again, he might tell you that since you
both know he has more fun alone, he bought only
one ticket. If he does take you, you will spend
half your time dragging him out of the local hot
spots where he's trading pickup lines with the
natives and the other half tracking him through
the jungle as he searches for the meaning of
life. You'll be better off staying home hoping
he gets kidnapped by pygmies.

The Archer's favorite game is Bad to Worse. Tell
him the sink backed up, and he'll flood the
basement because he forgot to turn off the water
before he tore out the plumbing. Ask him to
forgo one of his several nights out with the
boys in favor of a quiet dinner at home, and
he'll rant and rave that you are smothering his
need for freedom.

Even lovable Archer Walt Disney had a dark side.
Remember all those endearing fairy tales he
brought to the screen? Bambi's dead mother and a
raging forest fire. The orphaned Lion King
stalked by his own family members. Snow White
and Cinderella: One with a stepmother who wanted
to cut her heart out, and the other who was
forced to become a servant in her own home.

Yours will step on your toes, bore you with
rhetoric, and hurt your feelings with a
thoughtless remark. After all, he is a fire-
breathing dragon. But, this guy is more like
Pete's Dragon, Disney's character who flops
along meaning no harm and leaving little lasting
damage.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
page 11 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"I'm a workaholic, and when I'm not working, I'm
hiding in my basement." --Howard Stern (January
12)

He's strong, dependable, and a bit shy. Whether
he's rich or poor, he dresses impeccably, acts
like a gentleman, and most likely owns his own
business. A male Capricorn will impress you with
his reserved good manners. He may remind you of
one of those old-time tough guys with a heart of
gold, like Humphrey Bogart, and his favorite
movie will probably be It's a Wonderful Life.
Before you tear up over this sentimental fact,
understand that the movie's evil banker, Mr.
Potter, is the hero he's modeled his life after.

Living with a Capricorn man is like being tied
to a horsehair-upholstered armchair and forced
to listen to a continuous loop of Night on Bald
Mountain. By the third date, he'll have decided
whether he wants to make it permanent, which
will have nothing to do with whether you feel
the same way. Once he's fixed his beady little
stare on you, he can make the most devoted
Taurus look fickle.

Cappy loves applause as much as cousin Leo.
However, where the Lion seeks adoration, the
Goat sees it as an affirmation. No matter what
means he uses to get where he's going, once he's
there, he'll act like he's just one of the good
old boys. During Prohibition, Al Capone's
bloodied climb to the top as king of the
bootleggers was unmatched in the annals of
American crime. Capone dispatched friends and
enemies alike with the same cold indifference.
He was a model of Capricorn ruthlessness. But he
also exhibited the Goat's need to be socially
acceptable. He dressed more like a captain of
industry than killer, and saw to it that his
intimate circle of henchmen did likewise. Capone
attended the opera, immersed himself in Chicago
society, and tried his best to give the
appearance of a benevolent bad boy just taking
advantage of the times by supplying the
relatively harmless vice of illegal liquor to an
adoring public. In typical arrogant Capricorn
style, Capone not only broke the law; he
publicly dared the law to catch him. And though
it finally did, Scarface Al didn't go to jail
for bootlegging. He rode up the river on a tax-
evasion charge, and history has it that once he
was in Alcatraz, he became Boss Con.

Romantically, your Goat's basic attitude is that
you should keep your mouth shut and your legs
spread. Early in the relationship, he may forget
himself and choke out an "I love you." Even if
he marries you, he probably won't say it again.
He will figure that if he made it legal and
allowed you to quit your job so you could stay
home to wait on him, that's proof enough.

Depending on his financial status, he'll have
either a mini office or a hotline to his bookie
in the bedroom and will regulate your lovemaking
with the same cool know-how he uses either in
the boardroom or poolroom. He can be
surprisingly passionate, once he feels
comfortable enough to lose his inhibitions. But
since he's not into role playing, sensual
massage, or the use of mood-altering substances,
you'll need the patience of a saint, and the
persistence of a Virgo. It may take months to
get him to lose the pajamas and quit shaking
hands before jumping between the sheets.

He invented the double standard. The public
credo of the FBI's head Goat, J. Edgar Hoover,
was a bug in every bedroom and a rule for every
action. The fact that Hoover publicly scorned
any behavior that was a hairsbreadth left of
fascism, and wore a dress in private, is a
classic example of the Capricorn's code of
conduct. It applies to everyone but himself.

He's condescending and totally oblivious to
anyone's feelings but his own. He sees himself
as the great patron and expects to control your
checkbook, social calendar, and household
schedule. He's so tight, he'll inspect the
toothpaste tubes before you toss them away and
make a once-a-week trip to the recycling center
instead of using the curbside container. Unless
he's a chef or an auto mechanic, he won't shop
for dinner or get his hands dirty changing the
oil on the car. But he will dictate the grocery
list and give you permission to call the auto
shop he recommends. He doesn't want a partner
who thinks. He wants someone who looks good on
his arm. If you are a Libra, he's probably your
ideal mate. If you are the independent type, be
prepared for an onslaught of power plays that
makes Scorpio look like a rank amateur.

His motto is, "Do as I say, not as I do." He has
the annoying habit of trying to make you feel
like a dog he's just saved from the pound and
expects the same loyalty and blind devotion in
return. Should you manage to pierce his hide and
wound his ego, he'll shut himself away in a
darkened room and brood. Use the respite to
catch a nap.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
page 12 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"Start the day with a smile, and get it over
with." --W.C. Fields (January 29)

If he isn't actually brilliant, an Aquarius male
will be at least an innovative thinker who
envisions a wonderful future and usually finds a
way to make it real. His delightfully
spontaneous side will prefer unplanned treks to
out-of-the-way places; his practical,
respectable side makes him secure and stable. He
reads books, is concerned for the environment,
and will simultaneously be your best friend and
decidedly unconventional lover. Think you see a
romantic breath of fresh air heading your way?
That panting you hear crashing through the
underbrush belongs to a cross between Drs.
Strangelove and Frankenstein.

At best, he is an arbitrary, irritable eccentric
who lives inside his own head, but is overall
fairly harmless. At worst, he's a cold-blooded,
cheerfully vile monster who will subject you to
endless mental tortures, then watch you crumble
with the emotional separation of a psychopath.
He may have as caustic a tongue as W.C. Fields,
who called his famous Leo co-star Mae West "a
plumber's idea of Cleopatra." Or live for years,
looking and acting as normal as anyone else,
then go out for milk one day and disappear.

A male Water Bearer has delusions of grandeur
that would shame a Leo. He fancies himself as
the world's savior, whether the world wants
saving or not. And he will not hesitate if he
must to force his plans for change upon an
unsuspecting group. Consider Aquarian president
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, whose grandiose
scheme for relieving both a suffering economy
and millions of unemployed Americans included
the New Deal. Social Security tax, social
welfare, and the World War II victory (income)
tax, all sprang from his vision.

Whether you agree with his political views,
Roosevelt cannot be faulted for his humanitarian
attempt to help the masses. However, in typical
Aquarius fashion, the plan had little detail or
built-in restriction, so it laid the foundation
for the tangled mess we have today. Like the
good Dr. Frankenstein, his intent was to restore
life, but the result was an uncontrollable
monster.

The Water Bearer is neither selfish nor
domineering, but that's only because you will
see less of this man than a Sagittarius
traveling salesman. He won't physically leave
home because his trips are all in his mind. But
he will virtually live in the garage or basement
tinkering with his latest invention, trying to
contact alien life forces, or calling the FBI
and offering his services as master spy.

He is fixed air, and like his cousins Leo,
Taurus, and Scorpio, he doesn't play well with
others. He is as obstinate, tenacious, and
attention seeking as those guys, but he's also
ingenious at mind games. It was probably an
Aquarius male who caused the legal system to
devise the term mental cruelty.

He's twitchy. Most male Water Bearers have a
nervous grimace that people mistake for a
lopsided grin. His electrically charged
personality makes him the king of snap
judgments, endless pronouncements, and long
answers to questions you never asked. On
especially wild days his mere appearance causes
dogs to howl and cats to hiss.

He may be into substance abuse -- not to delude
himself as Pisces does, but to simply calm him
enough to hold a job. And the amount he can take
and still function would put any other sign in a
coma. He's paranoid. He will keep the curtains
closed, the TV tuned to CNN, and the answering
machine in action. He will expect you to report
any unusual activities at the grocery store, or
on your job, which he will immediately
assimilate into his latest disaster fantasy. He
will frequently hold conversations with the
person standing three feet behind you, the one
only he can see.

Although he loves to roam around the house naked
as a lover, he prefers a good book, unless you
capture his attention by appealing to his
perverse side. The more bizarre you look and
act, the better he likes it. Pretending that
silver buckle you're wearing is really a tiny
nuclear weapon, which may or may not detonate
the exact instant he does, will drive him into a
sexual frenzy. Strap it around his waist, tell
him he's the ultimate sex machine, and you will
be set for a night of multiple pleasures.

He's inventive, original, and, when in balance
with his Saturn nature, an unstoppable force.
Consider original shock rocker Aquarian Alice
Cooper. True to the Uranus-ruled side of his
nature, he allegedly took his stage name from a
seventeenth-century witch who spoke to him via
the Ouija board. Of his band he said, "We were
into fun, sex, death and money, and we drove a
stake right through the heart of the love
generation." Cooper's wild-eyed expression,
fright-night hair and makeup, and onstage
penchant for flaming objects and gruesome
theatrics such as mock hangings, guillotining,
and murder of infant dolls that gush blood, all
in the name of good fun, is vintage Aquarius.
And as any true Water Bearer, he believes his
job is to leave his audience feeling like they
were "at the greatest party they were ever at in
their lives." His offstage life merges nicely
with the Saturn side of the Aquarian nature.
Cooper has been married to the same woman for 20
years, has three children, coaches Little League
and soccer, is an avid golfer, and raises more
than $150,000 a year for charity.

Whether yours is a weird-but-harmless genius or
a sarcastic anarchist, life with the Aquarian
male is as wild a ride as you can get on planet
Earth.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
page 13 of "Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the
Weird Things They Do"

"If I'm to be a chauvinist pig, I want to be
number one pig." --Bobby Riggs (February 25)

He's a dreamboat who lives for romance, and his
hypnotic charisma will leave you weak-kneed and
breathless. He may be a visionary like
Copernicus, or a joker a la Billy Crystal, but a
Pisces man is intuitive, caring, and
sympathetic. No other male in the universe is as
capable of profound love and devotion.
Unfortunately, he's so in love with himself that
you don't stand a chance.

The male Fish is the emotional black hole of the
universe. Toss your heart, soul, and car keys,
and all will disappear forever. This guy learned
at an appalling young age how to weasel his way
out of work and charm his way into bed. He's
definitely sensual, sexy, and cute, in a
debauched sort of way. Don't let the facade fool
you. At home he may be a quiet little Fish,
swimming around and around the beer bottle, but
romantically he is the great white shark of the
zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt you because he
has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy
will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened.
He's a natural born liar. And he's honed the art
until he fools himself. Such as when he's
perched on his favorite bar stool, watching the
sports channel and ogling hot bodies, but
telling himself he's gathering material for the
novel he plans to write. The only thing this
loser will ever write is a smeared phone number
on his cocktail napkin.

He's self-destructive. Pisces Desi Arnaz had
every thing. Looks, career, and for its time, a
state-of-the-art TV show with wife, Leo Lucille
Ball. Arnaz possessed the extraordinary talent
for both creative artistry and business acumen.
He also possessed the extraordinary Piscean
thirst for alcohol, and roving eye, which
ultimately left Ball no choice but to divorce
him. Ball became a megastar. Arnaz battled
alcohol and obscurity for the rest of his life.

He loves sex games. Feel free to wear your
nurse's uniform but expect him to play patient,
not doctor. Buy a dog collar and he will bark.
Introduce him to your best friend if you dare,
but don't leave them alone. He will have affairs
anywhere, any time, with anyone who will hold
still long enough. And with an icy detachment
that rivals his Gemini cousin. The Fish can
leave you full of his declarations of undying
love, drive straight to his favorite watering
hole, and pick up the first available body. Or,
full of his divine spiritual fervor, a la Pisces
Jimmy Swaggart, hop in his Caddy and head for
the nearest hooker. In classic Pisces self-
delusion, when caught with his parables down,
Swaggart blamed the woman for being a minion of
the Devil who tempted him to stray. Then, he
gave one of the most spectacular public displays
of improvised remorse and Emmy-caliber acting
since the night female Fish, Tammy Faye Bakker,
ripped off her false eyelashes on TV to prove
that she wasn't afraid to reveal her real self.
Can you say Amen?

Don't expect your Fish to be the breadwinner.
Some Pisces males start on a career path early,
but if yours hasn't dropped the remote and
picked up a degree by the time he's in his late
twenties, forget it. You will end up with a
ne'er-do-well who thinks making his fortune
means winning the lottery, and that Real TV is
culturally educational.

If you are a Virgo with a job, house, and
checkbook, or a Cancer who doesn't mind playing
nursemaid for the rest of your life, this guy
was meant for you. He's tedious. He has a
compulsion to use the same cliches he's used
since high school and will invariably run a
subject straight into the ground in the shortest
possible time. Telling him he's not funny only
eggs him on, because he's not after your
laughter, he's out to provoke you.

All bluff and no substance, Mr. Fish is a cast
of thousands and even he doesn't know what scene
he'll play next. But, since he does like role-
playing you could pretend you're the Lone Ranger
and ride on.